It was spring cleaning time and I set out to do some deep cleaning. I came across a stack of cards that had been sitting for a while and decided to take a look at the stack to determine where their final destination might be. As I sat and began to read I noticed my feelings began to come forth. I guess I didn’t realize how far I had come in the way I looked at life. A few years ago I had made up my mind that I would not let people and the havoc they could bring in my life and others get to me anymore.
I decided to care with only a minimum affect on where I was. I would not let people hurt me anymore nor would I spend a large amount of time trying to figure them out. If someone hurt, let them hurt. If someone had trauma in their life I would not enter in their emotional stress. I built a wall that was a safer way for me to exist. I had so much mess going on in my life that I needed a way to escape. This was the easiest way for me for I felt that God had turned His back on me and He would get to me when He did. Since I had no hope that God would acknowledge my pain anytime soon, I needed to have some relief from my strife.
Now don’t get me wrong, I prayed and went to church continued in my ministry, and I looked as though I was living a victorious Christian life. People in general do not take special note of each other unless they are doing something way out of the ordinary. Since I looked normal and was not causing people to look at me with concern on their face, they naturally assumed that I was doing just fine. Nothing was further from the truth. I was in a holding pattern self-inflicted. I could not move forward or backward.
For a while I felt that I had made the right decision. I would not cry or feel or re-act to adversity. It happened; I looked, observed but did not respond to whatever the situation. I just went on through my daily life on automatic pilot. This was what I did for several years as I felt if I had any more pain it would surely cause me to consider ending my life as it was. If I was going to make it, something had to change. I suppose that was not the best decision but at the time there was no one whom I felt I could go to too hear me and understand what I was feeling. At the time I talked to God only. I wasn’t sure if He was listening but I went with what I knew to do.
As I got to my middle fifties I began to cry again. I could feel pain and joy just by watching a program on TV or a movie that I may or may not had seen before. This happen several times before I realized that I was responding that way. I’d asked myself when I took note why are you crying, or why do you let that bother you. Perhaps I was beginning to heal from some of my deep seeded pain. Maybe by keeping in touch with God through reading His word and praying helped me to stay grounded although that was not my primary focus. I just wanted relief from all the pain.
I am into the fourth month of being sixty. Just as I entered being sixty, I once again encountered physical sickness. I received many cards with prayers and thoughts for a swift recovery. I was given love and care. As I read the cards again with better appreciation for the thoughts penned to me I felt love as my eyes began to tear. Good I said to myself you’re allowing God to bring you out of the highly built wall of I don’t care. Its okay to feel and respond healthily to what’s going on inside of you. The cards read that people wanted for me what I wanted for them in the every day.
I was in the hearts and prayers that they were sending my way. One card summed it all up for me and made me thankful that I could feel God’s love shown to me through others. The card read: “To celebrate your birthday means to celebrate your life. I celebrate your faith that reaches out to him, Your love that reaches out to others, your character that the Lord’s hands have shaped to be an expression of His grace, and your heart that is fixed upon Him and is tender to His ways.” Another card said “Because you listen, because you understand, times spent with you are special to me- They’re times I will treasure, as I treasure you. These words went straight to my heart as I knew that God feels the same way about me as I strive to do His will.
My wall has begun to crumble not as fast as the walls of Jericho, but nevertheless they will fall. God will receive the glory. I have the sweet assurance of His constant love and care. I now know that He will give me encouragement to refresh me, and strength to renew me and healing to restore me.
“Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed… for you are the one I praise.”
JEREMIAH 17:14 NIV
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